This week signals the end of many things. The November 1 deadline for many college applications is upon us. The final contest of our competitive season is also today. The final football game was last night, on Halloween.

I came home and finished my costume after school. What was I, do you ask? I was a giant Nathan. I now know what it’s like to be Mr. Hunter, since I couldn’t see my feet for the whole night. Of course, everyone seemed to love my costume. So many people took pictures that it’s not even funny anymore. There were several great costumes there. Robert was the Energizer Bunny. I was, of course, a Nathan. Ben Roe was a member of Eagle Club, with the questionable beverage headgear. Conrad was one of the Blue Men from the Blue Men Group. Someone was a piece of Bazooka bubble gum (Susan Melton, I think). And of course, Dena and Christine went as Mr. Pellas and Mr. Hunter, respectively. Those were the more notable costumes for the night. I’m forgetting one though. The “best costume” contest came down to Conrad and me, and it was declared a tie. Though I think I should have won for pure band geekiness.

The Nathan, though just a simple piece of cloth and two hula hoops, was surprisingly warm. I was fine, though everyone else kept complaining of the cold. The best part was that my instrument was inside the costume, so you couldn’t even see when I was playing! I didn’t fall over during the show, which made me (and the real Mr. Pellas) happy, since everyone expected my gigantic costume to be a problem.

Before the game, I did a salute with a lot of people—Emily, Alison, Caitlin, Robert, Will, Liz, Andy, Becca, and me. It was a “wave” sort of deal, so it seemed to go over well. I haven’t seen it yet, but I think tonight was just wonderful. I liked getting to do it in uniform, so the dignity was not tarnished by the silliness of Halloween costumes. And changing out of my uniform into my costume and then coming outside was truly priceless.

I was, obviously, on the raw end of several Nathan Swig jokes, among other things. But it was all a lot of fun. Especially seeing me try to eat with that thing on… interesting times. If you hadn’t heard of it, Mr. Hunter seems to harrass girls a lot. For example, tonight, he “milked” one of the girls who dressed up as a cow. And in the past, he has poured his water onto girls while standing at attention, and repeatedly uttered the phrase “Does that feel better?” (I think that’s it, at least…). Anyway, so while we were exiting the stadium after the game, Will, Christine and I all walked up to Mr. Hunter and squirted him with me. It was quite interesting, and ironic.

Then we went to Ivey’s house, and watched part of Halloween (the movie), but most of us bugged out early for time/sleep reasons. I did, but sadly I’m still here writing. I’ve also started harassing Will about how he harasses me, since the reasons are now common knowledge to the parties involved. No more on that, but it made for an interesting evening of conversation.

I wish I could just bottle tonight up, put a cork on it, and keep it in my mind forever, as it is now. It was an absolutely incredible way to end the football season, and I could truly have wished for no more. I am both extremely happy, yet very distraught—this is the first joyous end that I will miss painfully for the rest of this year, and far into the future.

Thank you, to everyone in marching band, for making the entire season, and especially tonight, so wonderfully enjoyable for me. I’ll never forget it. The engraved memories of a day can be worth more than the sum experience of many years. Today was one of those days.

As a senior, this year is going to be defined by the amalgamation of many bittersweet memories, which the sugar of memory will eventually sweeten beyond their true worth. But the ability to have such memories that will become but sweeter is truly priceless. I am glad I have lived my life this way, for I would hate to have missed out on the joy of tonight.

Even if some things don’t work out as I hope, memories such as tonights will probably soon overwhelm the bitter memories of this year, whether they are from failure or separation. If things do work out as I hope, then tonight’s memory is just another to add to the stack of memories I wish to endure forever… in both my memory and everyone else’s. For those of you who understand what I’m trying to say, I hope you truly do understand. For everyone else, just take this as a view of my feelings after tonight. I am extremely happy.

Thank you all, so very much!

Actually, there’s no need for a drumroll. But I haven’t written anything here in over a week, so I think that I’ll talk about the past week. Life has been crazy, to say the least. I’m no great writer so reading this will be a rough journey for all of us.

Monday

Not much happened Monday. We had a marching band rehearsal, and as I recall we were lucky enough to have water this week. Band moms are the best!

Tuesday

We were supposed to have a marching band rehearsal, but that was cancelled, because athletics decided that we can’t use the baseball field any more. So I was able to get my haircut on Tuesday instead of Thursday. What a relief! Then I got home, quickly looked at my homework, and then I ate dinner. I showered, shaved, and got dressed for the concert, and then left. The concert was OK, but not really anything to be proud of. I was surprised that Anna and her roommate were there. Not so surprised that Anna was there, but rather that both Jacob and Anna’s roommate tagged along. So then I got home and did a little homework. Whew. Busy day.

Wednesday

Um, not much happened on Wednesday either. We still didn’t have rehearsal for Wind Ensemble, and the brass sectionals for marching band didn’t happen, so I got half way home and had to go BACK to Enloe to pick up my brother. Oh, Will left to go tour the University of Chicago (is that right?) at 3:30 too.

Thursday

Oh, so Hunter talked to Wind Ensemble all period. Will was gone, so I checked in with Hunter about what Will had said, if anything. So then Hunter took it upon himself to proclaim me “interim section leader.” For Pete’s sake… it wasn’t that big of a deal. I should have expected as much. I didn’t really want him to do that, I was just trying to look out for the section. Anyway, rehearsal was very very cold and we didn’t work on much. I got home and ate, and my parents left for the band boosters meeting. So I came up to my room and spent most of the night talking, when I should have been working.

Friday

So we were in the Equus lab… I mean the Maple lab at school today. Norris loves Maple if anyone hadn’t noticed. Anyway, I checked my SAT scores online this morning. Surprisingly, they were actually available. I got a 1520. That made my day. So I got through the school day and then waited around with Robert for about 30 minutes. I took him to the shop so he could pick up his car. And now I’m at home doing nothing.

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That’s the quick and dirty rundown of my week. It looks like there might be a movie tonight, but I’m not sure. I have a WebAssign for Physics, Tess of the d’Urbervilles to read for English, a competition all day Saturday, and the fair on Sunday morning. Not to mention Maple homework (though it isn’t due until next Friday). It’s going to be a wild and crazy weekend! Ah! I’ll see you all later!

Update

Oh, something I forgot to mention. On Wednesday, I found out about something called ratemyteachers.com. Enloe has now been the top rated school for two days. That’s cool in a very odd way. But it’s really interesting to see the opinions of other people and what they think of your teachers. I created the first rating for Mr. Hunter. Nobody tell that to him, or I’ll probably get eaten alive.

Sorry, that was really random. I thought you might want to know, since it was another interesting aspect of the week. I’m really done now, I promise!

Needlessly to say, my mind has been rather preoccupied this week, and I must apologize for not writing until now. College applications, transcripts from last week, homework, and now testing. I definitely have too much to do. Time is ticking away, and I’m letting it do so. We started the week with an outdoor rehearsal for marching band. Followed by yet another on Tuesday. School proceeded to be the pain that it is.

And now I find myself on Wednesday—half of the way through the week. I had part of a math test this morning. It wasn’t as awful as I had suspected, but it definitely was not easy. Then I had Psychology… I always find it difficult to stay awake. Today was no exception. Then English—we got to spend the day reading short stories and doing more evaluations on our objective test for Dr. Faustus. German is usually a joke, and today was really no different. We had already read through one of the chapters by ourselves. So what did we do? We proceeded to read it aloud in class. And then we spent the rest of the time grading some homework and working on more questions. I’m surprised that we ever get ANYTHING done in there. Really, I am. Then I had lunch. Cold and windy. Enough said. Then I went to the blood drive, which took up the rest of my day. They were behind schedule, so I didn’t get taken care of until about 1:45. So I was done giving blood at 2PM, but I had to wait 15 minutes to leave. They make us wait, in case anyone should happen to get ill from losing blood. So I got done when school was out. And now I’m a day behind in Physics, which can’t be good.

And now I’m at home, sitting at my computer. Contemplating what tonight will bring, I have decided that I need to stop writing here. I’m fine, if anybody was wondering how I did after giving blood. Oh, and my bandage is pink! I wear it proudly! And with that, I’m done writing for now. Have a nice evening!

So yesterday after school we all went to Will’s house and watched a movie. We went to the football game and did the show. We all got slightly rained on. The field was gross, as was the last part of the drill, but we did it. And then I, along with other people, left early because of two things: Some evil math homework due at 11:45 PM and the SAT this morning.

And then there was the SAT this morning. I did OK, minus the one math problem I left blank again (which I was able to solve during some free time later… argh). But during one of the Verbal sections, I pulled some sort of mindless stunt. My eyes saw the words on the page, but I realized after about a paragraph that I hadn’t actually read it. I was reading, but my mind had been wandering elsewhere. Luckily it didn’t cause me to run out of time.

The way my life is these days, anxiety has changed more from a feeling to a lifestyle. It seems that, no matter where I go, I’m always anxious about something. It can’t be good for me. Not to mention the anxiety caused by two halves of my mind disagreeing about what to do in many situations. For exaple, I couldn’t decide whether to stay at the football game until the end, for the fun of it, or to be practical and go home early, while abandoning other people there. Part of me always says “yes, you want to do this,” while another always says “no, it just isn’t smart or considerate.”

I feel like a living example of Freud’s theories. I need some rest after taking that test this morning. It was both early and boring, so I’m exhausted, to say the least. Talk to all of you later! (Oh, and if I’m still asleep around 3PM, somebody make an effort to wake me up… please?)

When I was born, it seems as if I took the path less traveled. From this overgrown, weeded path I have stared at the other, distant path. The bleak desolation of winter in the trees behind me, I can see the colors of an exuberant spring on the far side of the other path. Between my path and theirs, I see but darkness. A tangled wasteland of brambles may lie ahead, but just as likely a grass-covered meadow through which I may leap and bound easily.

I have taken the path of a certain J. Alfred Prufrock, until now. No longer will I waste my years wondering what the world thinks of me. All that matters is my opinion, and maybe the opinion of a few others.

I have, at this point, crossed many landmarks on this path. I can lead people—I did it this summer, and I wish I could have done it this year in Marching Band. But what is a leader who cannot even lead his own life with any determiniation. Pondering, idling, and hoping I have spent too many years. My time make my own path has come; I will “take another road to another time,” as said by Jimmy Buffet. His songs are both reality-based and fictional, but pointless is a word that cannot be used to describe any of them.

As a leader, I could yell “Lie, Ben!” and Ben would lie, and to not beleive this is to lie to myself. But this is not the point. In that sentence lies a hidden word that maybe some can find. Alas, my life marches onward, and I must soon take my first step across the unknown void to the other path.

I have seen the kindled fires of others start as a pile of fuel, to shortly burn brightly. I start my own fire, but I have reached through it before, only to burn myself to no avail. My fire burns again, but now I must convince myself that if I reach through it, I will experience no pain. I am urged by others and their fires to do so, but ultimately it is I who must convince myself of this.

The light of my determination has thus far flickered dimly. Now I must solidify that determination into a piercing beam with which I may find my way across the abyss to the fields of green and groves of happiness.

Voices through the darkness beckon me. Voices I know that were once on this side. I trust them, but now I must cut my own path while crossing the same gap they have already crossed. On the other side, I hope I will see them all. Should I fall, I can but rest happy knowing I have tried yet a second time.

Outwardly, “nothing is, but what is not.” I am completely different on the inside. I must make my appearance and emotions once more harmonious as I journey across. That is the conflict that MacBeth could not resolve.

I have seen others that are not beckoned toward the other side, but have yet tried and many times failed. I do not wish to join their ranks. And with on that, I camp this night still on the sidelines of life. The rest of this week, however, I shall break camp and try to jump into the game of life, head-first. I hope to see you all there—it will be fun!

Update

It seems that my style has faded and I continue to fail at keeping a poker face. Likely, if this is read by many, the things I say will probably scare other people away. I suppose my ability to employ hidden or ambiguous messages in my writing are becoming less and less inconspicuous. As my feelings struggle to surface, it appears that my writing, subconsciously, tries to betray those feelings and expose them ever more clearly in my writing.

You’ll notice that one of hte above paragraphs sticks out sorely, and though I wish to remove it since it may be too obvious, I have decided to leave it here. I cannot change what I have thought or written in the past elsewhere, so I will not change it here.

Depressed is no longer the word I should use. Sheepish is probably the best word. And without further ado, I bid all of you a mirthful, restful sleep!

Let it rain, I say. For however much we may not like rain, it is necessary. WIthout rain there would be very few places where we could live on this planet, so whenever rain gets you down, be glad to have it. Though a dreary gray is cast upon our lives’ stage, our lives are continually supported and rejuvenated by the rain.

Actually the problem was finding somewhere to eat today! Some people went off campus, but I stayed behind since I already had a lunch, and since some other key people didn’t go. Then a bunch of people went to eat in someone’s car. Sorry, that’s a little bit too much for me. I ended up eating on the stairs by the parking lot, essentially alone, since Andy was the only other person there. So displaced from the wall, we scattered in confusion. Interestingly enough, this was the first time that it has rained during lunch this year.

I killed a lot of tests today… that’s a bad thing. There was a quiz in Calculus III, the rest of my English test, and a Physics test. Life hated me today, in that respect. So I came home, and I find myself here writing. And in other news, there’s a cat out of a bag somewhere. The question is, however: will it end back up in the bag or will someone catch it first? Life shows the adversities of being shy, and I have not the ability to overcome my plague. But that cat does, which is why I fear it in some ways.

Okay, my own writing is confusing me now. That means that I should stop, and call it a day. I might write later… who knows. Bye!

Actually, “Shall We Dance?” from Crazy for You just started playing on my computer. But it echoes my mood so well. Today was good, to say the very least. I got some more college applications stuff finished. I am hopefully ready for school tomorrow. The deadline for transcript requests is Friday, so I’ll have to work on my NC State application tomorrow night in a frenzy to get everything ready.

In more interesting news, marching band was, I daresay, happy today. We got a lot done and our show is going to be awesome once it’s done. There was one point during rehearsal, much to my surprise, where Hunter talked about some cool drill that we had, and were doing at the moment. For some reason, it made me happy. There are two views of marching band. From without, and from within. From without, Hunter could see the cool drill. From within, I saw morale improve for a very small window of time. If only Hunter could see marching band from that side for once. He might finally understand that if we’re not miserable, things go better.

I did some homework, but to end my day I took a shower and a break. After talking to several people, I revisited that part of rehearsal today. And with that thought, I end my day with a smile on my face. Drillmasters are my dancing shoes, and my spirits are climbing. And to clear up any confusion, marching band is not the sole love of my life, I love it in addition to the company of others. In fact, I love anything that makes me happy, which is reasonable I suppose.

Marching band merely consumes so much time that it is one of the few things about which I can talk here. But oddly enough, some of the most powerful ties between people are those that remain unspoken. Feelings are hard to encapsulate in words of a language written. In a language heard and understood by all, but written by few, feelings find a much better mean of expression. The language of which I speak, is the language of music. Spanning both time and place, it remains an unspoken, untaught language that we can all understand. I only wish that I could express my feelings more clearly in both word and harmony.

With that light, playful morning mist cast over my thoughts, I leave you all as I go to sleep in the darkness flooded by my brightness of mood. I am not ready to lift that mist off of my feelings, for the fear that they are too brilliant to be unveiled all at once. But should you penetrate the mist’s depths and see what’s within, you probably understand more about me than I do.

Good night to all; I hope that your dreams are filled with a spring morning’s radiant light and brisk, brilliant, inspirational air!

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On a side note, my site passed 1300 hits today. I’m stretching to find landmarks, but hey—it means people care enough to read! Thank you everyone! It makes me feel appreciated!

After the recession through which I went last night, I turn back to reflect again. Today I was at home all day, working on homework and killing time for the rest of the day. As socially inept as I sometimes believe myself to be, I am mysteriously drawn to the company of others. Using today as an example, I have been bored to my wit’s end.

As the year draws on, topics of school and its subject matter become not foreign, but rather cliché and lackluster. My desire to pursue scholastic endeavors become less and less as I realize I am facing the final months in which I will be able to spend my time around those people who I have known for 7 years. Even for those I have met this year, I realize what an important part my friends, both old and new, have played in my life. In fact, they will forever continue to play parts in my life, for memories are living entities that we all carry with us forever. Even if I never see any of these people again, I will always be affected and cheered by my memories of them.

Though I often wish I had lived my life in a different way, there are still times that I am glad I have lived it this way. Had I lived it another way, I don’t know who I would have met instead, so I must remain content with events as they have occurred. To quote a song by Jimmy Buffett, “There is no rewind and no replay.” So simple a saying, so complex a meaning.

I’ll end this with my main point. Though often times I may come across as depressed, commanding, or outgoing, rest assured that I always look forward to your company—no matter who you are. My friends define who I am more than I do myself. Today has been thoroughly boring and lonely, riddled with homework and thoughts of yesterday. I look forward to starting next week fresh, with yet another postive outlook on all things in which I involve myself.

From my heart to all, have a good night!

I really do think I have two personalities or something. There’s the irritable, commanding, defiant, perfectionist me, and the nice, funny, friendly me. Unfortunately neither one of them is me. The first one—the leader—is unfortunately predominant inside of me. I am easily irritated, and I always think both I and others could do better. But then, I really want to be a nice, outgoing, funny, friendly person.

I force myself to suppress myself, to become the me that you know. I see Conrad, and I see my feelings in his doings, more often than the compassionate side of me would like to think. He acts outwardly as I feel inwardly. But since I want to appear nice, I bottle up those feelings.

When I feel dejected, though, the softer side of me critiques me for possibly being to harsh and bitter, as I see what those traits have done to Conrad and Ralph. Sorry guys, this is just what I see. I have always been somewhat detached from society, and have never, much to my own suffering, had a “girlfriend,” by any sense of the word. Thus, such pain causes me to want to both withdraw and immerse myself in society. My failures beg me to stop trying, while the pain of a incomplete soul begs me to continue on.

This is my sad, but true tale. If ever I seem quiet and removed, there is a decent chance that these two sides of me are struggling inside. And while they struggle with each other, a third, observant part of me brings me to the verge of tears after seeing the sad state in which I exist.

So how can I ever be myself, if I have three parts of me constantly struggling to make themselves seen? To achieve perfection, it seems that one must give up the goal of compassion. To be compassionate, it seems that one must give up perfection. These two sides of me can never be concurrently satisfied, and the third part of me is constantly struggling to satisfy both and amend my turmoil.

The compassionate side of me often wins over my dreams, wherein I think of the happy things I want. The perfectionist side of me, unfortunately, often wins over my actions. The observant side of me often wins over my mind, likely the worst tragedy of it all. It pains me to realize that being so smart allows me to see these problems within myself.

I must therefore come to the conclusion that to be a fool is to be happy, and that to be happy, one must be a fool. I wish that I could myself undo, but the past cannot be undone. Ignorance is bliss, neither of which I am—ignorant or blissful. I leave you with this view of my shattered mind’s shards, as I try to piece them back together again. Those peices, however, never seem to harmonize—they always seem to create a disjointed dissonance.

My thoughts and feelings cannot be expressed in words. Words are the inexact, unsanitary tools with which we dissect our thoughts and share them with others. I depart now to reconcile the day’s events with the peaceful rest we call sleep, that will hopefully set all of my emotional dischord straight. I wish that tomorrow shall be brighter and l will be in a fairer mood.

I apologize for all of the talking… I needed to say much of this today, to prefix my mixed emotions about today’s marching performance. I shall not detail it here, since my opinion is likely to change…

Thank you for reading. I really mean it. Have a nice day.

I didn’t realize until now that I’d forgotten to put you in here. Where to begin? He’s one of the few people I know who isn’t in band—he’s in chorus. So he’s still a musician, so that’s close enough, I suppose. We go back a long way, like many of my other friends, who I’ve known since 6th grade. I have also known him since 6th grade, though often I wish I could forget my memories of Ligon, because it was such a terrible place in many instances.

Speaking of terrible things, I seem to recall a Civil War project! I’ll admit, I slacked off a bit… I have, however, changed my ways. I still slack off, but not as much. And after our freshmen and sophomore years, we’re finally in a class together. Unfortunately, it’s AP English, with the school’s hardest AP English teacher! The class isn’t as hard as I had expected, but it’s still no walk in the park. And he insists that I write good prose. I beg to differ, but his opinion is his to keep and not mine to change.

That’s about all I can think of at the moment. If I think of anything else, I’ll put it here later.

So my day today was interesting. We didn’t really do anything in Calculus III. We took a test in Psychology, so that was two periods gone. We turned in our essays in English, and then proceeded to take notes on MacBeth. In German we basically spent the day going over homework. Oh, and we had a quiz too. Not that it mattered at all… I probably did poorly, knowing myself. Anyway, lunch at Bojangles was an experience. Not necessarily one I’d care to have again, or at least not often. Wind Ensemble was Wind Ensemble… we played all of our pieces and got From A Dark Millenium. My part, as far as I can tell, will be thoroughly boring. I hate playing my instrument. It doesn’t matter how well I can play it, my parts are never interesting and thus never noticed. I wish I could play music with challenging parts. Physics was wacked… we did a lab, but my group didn’t get very far. Then we looked over some scary homework problems. But regardless, today was interesting.

That was my day in a nutshell. Tonight could be either interesting or boring, with the latter being much more probable. If you want to do something tonight, then just give me a holler!

Oh, we’ll be at Sanderson tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll do well, considering the competition we’re up against and the fact that we’re really really bad… But I tend to be somewhat pessimistic, so only time will show what tomorrow holds in store. Regardless of how we do, I know that there is plenty of fun in store for tomorrow. And for everyone in marching band, I’m looking forward to seeing you there!

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Fewer than twenty-four hours remain until Enloe competes at the Capital City Band Expo, at Sanderson High School. The rehearasal is slated to begin at 9AM tomorrow morning. Fewer than twelve hours await band members until they all meet at Enloe. In the minds of all rest several images; images of the cool, crisp, misty morning that will begin the competitive season; images of the intense, anticipated, power-packed performance that we are capable of delivering; images of the fun and friendships that flourish in the evening sunshine and the company of fellow marchers.

These images rest in my mind, as I carefully, meticulously prepare all of the necessary materials for tomorrow morning. Upon my feet, I float across my room as I will float across the field tomorrow, and lay myself down in bed. The covers offer me their warm comfort, and I close my eyes and drift into an anxious sleep. Dreams of friendships and success will surely fill my head. The hard reality of tomorrow remains subject to our performance. Tomorrow approaches swiftly, and for whatever it may bring, I am prepared.

The beginning of the competitive marching season is nearly upon us. Our transcripts are out so Seniors can begin correcting information and sending in college applications.

We had rehearsal today, an hour of which was spent standing in one spot rehearsing music. At “attention.” That’s not cruel or mean in any way (AHEM). I’m talking to more people now, I think. Hunter is, of course, still Hunter. There’s no hope for that man. None whatsoever.

The weather is beautiful, yet the schoolwork is not. The friendships I enjoy, but the schoolwork I do not. I look forward to Saturday and the fun it will bring. For, doubtlessly, competitions will be fun, success set aside. We can either succeed or fail, but the fun will, for us, always sail.

Getting my transcript today really put things in perspective. For 4 years, I’ve kept many friends every year, but I have also met many new friends every year. For the friends I have met, kept, and now miss, I am grateful. Sure, I could have been different, and I could have worked harder for school. But I think that I have handled things well, and for the fun, friendship, and fellowship—I am thankful. To everyone who reads this, I know, already, that next year will be hard, since I will have to leave so many of you behind, if not forever…

But for now, I have homework to do, so I’ll talk to all of you later! See you tomorrow (and for some of you, Saturday)!