Well, as things go on, it continues to appear that this website is merely a place for me to deposit my musings on thoughtful (read: depressed) nights. Unfortunately for everyone involved, this is usually only when the norm has been unsettled by recent happenings. This usually means that something in my life is causing me various woes—that is to say that I only blog when I am sad. I leave you to be the judge, but I’ve noticed this trend before, and am noticing it again.
That being said, the rest of this post is rather reflective and is certainly not the happiest you’ll read, but perhaps some of my “insights” are actually insightful instead of just being the senseless blatherings of a distraught teenage college student. Let me begin by briefly introducing the reason I’m sitting here writing to the world:
This past semester, my relationship got off to a really rough start because I was significantly less than civil over winter break. After spending all semester patching things over and waiting for summer to finally arrive to fix the problems I’d been having, I instead came home and blew it. Due to a series of unfortunate events, beginning with my phone not charging and it’s battery being dead my first Friday home. That was followed by a weekend in which it was impossible to make phone calls for reasons out of anyone’s control. Unfortunately, at the time I was very dismayed at being “ignored.” That was perhaps the worlds most unfortunate misnomer, but it is what my temper told me at the time. I am not violent, just incredibly stupid with my words. After failing to call and find comfort in the voice I wanted to hear so badly, I fired off an email as a release, and I currently view it as the single worst decision I have ever made. So, to summarize: I was a hothead, and wrote the words that spelled the demise of a relationship I value more than I ever knew.
Now, I promise that I am not writing this because I just finished crying my eyes out, and I’m not just looking to vent. I’ve had a combination of conversations and quiet time tonight that, well, left me with a lot of thoughts, and I figured I should write them down somewhere. In other words, I feel that, for once, my statements are genuine and are as free of irrational notions as possible. Of course, this is me speaking… your mileage may vary.
I’m not the first person to whom this will happen, nor will I be the last. However, many people close to me have suffered the same fate that I seem to be facing. All I seem to gather is that they’re sorry and that I shouldn’t give up on things and let it all go to crap. However, I spoke with someone new tonight… a very dear friend of mine whose insights I trust wholly. He said to me: “Is it important to try and fix things in my past relationship, or should I focus on trying to move on?”
Even now, after a long time of stepping back and thinking, debating the essence of this question without those specific words in mind, I feel that the person, the good times, and the happiness are all worth trying to fix things. Several times I have noted that “things would be easier for me if I were at school.” However, here’s the downside that I’d never seen before tonight: “[If I were at school,] it’d be easier to accidentally throw away the chance to fix things if it ever presented itself.”
In that light, I figure it’s better that I’m suffering through the realizations of what I did and how stupid I was. I’ve made mistakes before in my relationship, but I never really learned from them. This time and space has shown me a lot, and I hope I have learned from my mistakes for real this time. Merely finding distractions is no solution to the underlying problem here—and I hope that, given time, I will be given the chance to make right my many wrongdoings.
Though cliché, it is true that you don’t realize the value of something until it is gone—or, at the very least, you fear that it truly is. Many times I said that I was in love, and that I truly felt a need for things. However, those words never held the same weight and the same truth that they would now. Now, I would not be nearly so fickle, so hotheaded, or so stupid as to consider throwing it away over trivial matters. Unfortunately, it seems that the only way to learn these things is the hard way—I wish it weren’t so for everyone. I wish I had learned them long before now, as to make things happier on the whole, since understanding what is truly important would change anyone’s reaction to minor issues.
Until now, I hadn’t realized many things about the nature and importance of relationships. A relationship is not only something in which you can find enjoyment, it is both a place and a person that you can fall back on when all else in life seems dismal. When nothing goes right, or when you are lonely and the future looks bleak, a relationship and that special someone will always be there to comfort you and to make you see the good despite the bad. Given too many distractions, as I would easily find at school, I would never have come to this understanding. I fear that there are many people who can toss away their relationship and drown themselves in friends and distractions, and not see the utter loneliness that awaits if they should find themselves, even once, without those comforts.
Until you can be free of distraction and experience true solitude, you cannot really decide whether a relationship’s troubles are worth throwing it away—I certainly couldn’t, and now I regret what I said so superficially; instead I wish I’d known how valuable things were to me. True solitude is a powerful experience—albeit a sad one—and it truly puts things into perspective. It is easier to change than to lose and start over. Never underestimate commitment’s power to change someone for the better.
Perhaps I am being done a great favor, and after writing this, I think I have been. I have changed a lot, and will probably change even more in the time to come. For this favor, I am thankful. Faith and pain are powerful emotions that can cause drastic change; it is odd, though, that either one can cause or inspire the other. I’ve changed, for sure; I hope it’s been a change for the better.
You learn to base feelings off of faith and belief in how good things can be instead of how good (or bad) they are. I wait patiently and lovingly for the chance to show myself to be different than the selfish hothead who sent a nasty email over an insignificant issue. Diligence, patience, and care will solve things before anger any day. The world could use more of all three.
Remember to think with your heart, and dismiss frustration by trusting in the good of people. I’ve tried to learn from my mistakes—please learn from mine so that you don’t have to make them yourself.
Thanks for reading. It’s time for bed now, especially since I’ve cleared my head. Good night.