At times like these, I once more find myself using “the Internet” as an outlet for my thoughts, fears, frustrations, and insecurities. The thought of it, at face value, strikes me as dangerous, because I’m freely providing strangers insight into my personal life. Not that I mind people knowing, but it’s occasionally worrisome when I wonder if someone will ever try to use these feelings, musings, and rants against me.

Ultimately, my purpose here is little more than a selfish quest to salvage what’s left of my sanity. Sometimes, I masquerade my writings as a means to communicate with others, hoping that good will come of it. While sometimes it’s possible to extract lessons from my articles, it’s rarely that altruistic goal that drives me to my keyboard.

There’s more to read within.

Introduction

Now that I’ve made that clear, I’m meting out these words tonight in an effort to set the records straight on several counts. Despite my relative agnosticism and pursuit of science and engineering, when I look at the world and its people, I’m struck by awe. We have rules, laws, theorems, postulates, approximations, calculations and metrics of all sorts to describe the interactions we observe. Physical interactions, that is. Despite the best and relatively accurate efforts of Psychology, the human mind and social interactions are still—to me—the world’s most complex and confounding conundrums. We know all about it’s chemical composition, but we cannot truly describe why or how music affects us emotionally, or why dreams are often vivid, striking, and relevant to our daily lives. This list could go on forever, but these are the two factors important to me.

One thing I know very little about is advanced physics, but I do know one of the more prominent underlying points: without expending energy to maintain order, all things tend to decay to disorder. In thermodynamics, that means all energy will eventually become unsalvageable heat. But this also applies at larger levels, that complex systems like the mind and body require enormous effort to maintain. That there are six billion of these highly ordered systems—all indescribably complicated—leads me to believe, sometimes, that there must be a God watching over us. And with that in mind, I often find myself wondering why my life unfolds as it does, despite the certainty that I’ll never know or understand.

Be it by design or by choice, I’m an advocate of honesty and truth to the bitter end. In the past, it’s been my social undoing, and I’m certain it will be again. Indeed, I believe one of humanity’s most egregious crimes against itself is the tendency of some to be false to oneself, one’s peers, or really anyone. If any term must be prescribed for me, then I would choose to be labeled a staunch believer in Truth or Honesty… and that’s why I’m here. Truth. Honesty. Those things which I value most.

Myths: Girls, ladies, women

Take your pick, they all describe the same gender with varying degrees of formality. I honestly don’t know which one to pick, because they’re all equally applicable… and likewise, they all feel equally inappropriate. This is the burning concern which has been smoldering in the back of my head for almost two weeks now. Since I’m here to discuss the truth, here it is, put bluntly, so there is no ambiguity to my meaning:

I am not currently—openly or secretly—in any sort of relationship.

Nor are there any signs that my fortune in that department will change. Not for the foreseeable future, at a minimum. Once you consider my insanely high “standards” and my iron-clad heart, I’m just not sure relationships are in my forecast. I’m not even choosing to avoid them. In fact, I find the prospect of being alone quite depressing, and really wish my luck would take a turn for the better. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. There are a myriad of reasons I could list, but I can detail those elsewhere in case anyone is interested.

So, I realize that I spent the first week or so of this semester hanging out with lots of girls in the dorm. Sure, they’re female, but just because I hang out as a friend doesn’t mean there’s anything else going on. Furthermore, someone applied the term “harem,” which carries a connotation I dislike intensely. It also implies that they choose to hang around me, and not vice versa. Fast forward to now, and you’ll see that it was me opting to enjoy their company when invited. Not vice versa.

I have no harem, and no girlfriend. While it might be “entertaining” for some of you to gossip about such nonsense, it’s simply not true. That’s the truth; lies do not become me.

Mistakes: Shooting the messenger

As one might have gathered from my previous two rants, I’ve tried to exist among two mutually exclusive groups of friends. It used to be one group, but because of past missteps, that’s no longer true. Existing as the last active tie between the two groups was tough. So tough, in fact, that I was concerned I couldn’t keep it up for much longer—fearing I would have to choose one over the other.

Well, it turns out I was right. I couldn’t do it much longer. The good news is that I didn’t have to choose one or the other. The bad news is that’s because I’ve slowly fallen out of both groups, leaving me in my own self-inflicted social limbo. Changes like this don’t usually come abruptly, so here’s how I managed to shoot the messenger—myself—out of both groups.

Due to my choices the first few weeks here, I spent a lot of time hanging out with the girls as I said above. Thus, for almost two weeks, I was rarely—if ever—around when the HCP wanted to go do something, like get food or go bowling. Pull a stunt like that for long enough, and people just get accustomed to life without you… as they did with me. Between those two weeks, varying degrees of laziness, and a temporary addiction to the new Zelda game, I essentially clipped myself out of the HCP picture amicably. I didn’t intend to, which is the problem.

As for the girls, it seems I did something much more offensive. Allegedly, the HCP has been overly noisy with Anime and all the Wii-playing. I’ll grant that accusation, even though it doesn’t usually bother me, and I’m not one to complain. However, when the girls saw fit to loudly and boisterously play and sing 90’s music from the kitchen, I got a little upset. The noise didn’t bother me. The apparent double standard did. Being who I am, trying to maintain peace, I didn’t say anything, and vented lightly in an away message. That’s just how I work. Generally, it’s pretty peaceful.

Apparently it wasn’t. I got myself blocked by someone and have received the silent treatment from the rest. Noting how easily I was just disconnected, I sat down and thought about it for a while. Their main complaint is the political shortsightedness and intolerance of the HCP. But for a group who preaches political tolerance, shouldn’t the same tolerance and forgiveness be applied socially? I mean really, the constant bashing on the HCP gets old. There may be a political rift, and sometimes social incompetence, but having known both groups for a while, they’re decent people too.

Perhaps this past week was just my breaking point. If you’re going to complain about noise from the HCP, you’ve got to keep your own volume under control. As my parents always told me, “clean your own house first” before complaining about someone else’s. However, grudges have never helped anything, so I’m perfectly willing to set all these messes aside to just move on with life.

What’s really stricken me is the notion that I’ve become vermin for observing and commenting on a contradiction I saw, which still seems valid. Maybe I’m unreasonable, or maybe I’m wrong. Either way, it seems I’ve been excommunicated from that group, as none of the girls are really talking to me anymore.

I am who I am, like it or lump it. I like to believe I’m reasonable, fair, and level-headed. If I’ve ruined my repute with some individuals for whatever reason, then I guess that’s just how the world turns.

Misery: Relationships, revisited

I know I discussed relationships earlier, and they’re essentially the topic of this section. It’s common knowledge that I’m single, and have been for a while now. The lesser-known fact is that really, I don’t like being this alone, but I’m OK with it because I must. One thing I never mentioned initially—but now admit openly—is that my first relationship ended because I made a series of poor decisions, and said a range of nasty things. That’s a fact. I’ll never detail it further publicly, because the writing that ended it all was the most damning prose I have ever composed. I’m seriously not proud of it.

To this very day, I find my deeds, words, and reactions to my self-inflicted breakup indescribably reprehensible. That whole timeline will bother me well into the future, but hopefully less so if I can—even once—find the energy to apologize. I’m not the kind to apologize, and I might have let it slide; but I saw the girl’s side of a similar breakup this year, and only then did I see how poorly I handled my own. It’s something I should do, but it will take lots of energy. I’ve bricked that entire episode up inside my iron-clad heart, and that’s why I haven’t yet revisited it.

The reason, I suppose, that I’m writing this, is best said by a little something I threw together just yesterday:

Losses of old form dreams of new;

a faded joy evoked in thought.

These relics of mind, grand but few,

hold the peace I always have sought.

Occasionally I have a dream that will leave me missing what I don’t have. I’ll wake up and remember why relationships are worth all the effort. I’m reminded of the lessons I had to learn by losing Marj, and how she was right in telling me I’d never learn them if she didn’t make me go away.

Sometimes I wonder why it ended, but it’s an old matter that’s pointless to rehash. It just comes as a counterweight to those days where it seems like relationships would be a lost cause. They’re totally worth it once you find one, but it’s not worth forging one to have if it doesn’t occur naturally. Everyone I know says that the right relationship will just happen magically, with seemingly minimal effort from both halves. I keep wishing that will happen some day, because the days and weeks without that support have been wearing me down.

Moderating the melodrama

I realize there’s a lot of up-and-down to my writing these days. School itself is still going alright, despite my many complaints about the accompanying social life. The first two parts of this are issues that needed discussing, and the final part is just musing on why I may seem a little bothered lately. I hope that some of these things will be resolved soon, and for the rest, I just hope that I can make the best of the situations at hand.

This is just how the world turns. As one in six billion, it certainly isn’t going to stop for me. I just keep on going, as always. Good night, everyone.

P.S. I may elaborate on the final section a bit later, but I’m too tired to continue writing. So that’s it for now.